Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Its Over There You Go You Are At The Break Up Point

It’s over now you get it, you have reached this point, this point being, [key music] the break up point, So it’s about keeping your dignity in tow and ensuring you don’t do the twitter and facebook rants. The angry and degrading sms’s, the stupid I’m still sexy or look how happy I am photo uploads or status updates. The break- ups of this era are a skilful manoeuvre which is why it has led to the downfall of many a people’s self-respect.  It’s important to look at the bigger picture, don’t fight the stupid fights, don’t react and do not go probing and instigating fights.  If ever there was a time to be calculating, the break up is it.

I have no experience with “real” addiction but a person can be an addiction so maybe I do. I can relate to withdrawals, wanting something that may be bad for you and most specifically in the instance of this conversation that thing that is bad for you is your ex-boyfriend. It is never too easy to get over someone for many of us, or should I say those of us that had genuine feelings.  I know that the reasons may be valid, he hurt you or you hurt him but ending relationships can be like kicking a drug habit. You want the safety net of old comforts but you don’t want the heartache that comes with it. So you have to admit to yourself that you will cry, you will be angry, you will be depressed, you may do stupid things.

What addictions are there in love? I say every single kind of addiction. There are the little things that you have to get use to on a daily basis most especially because you find that your routine is often so deeply rooted with having someone else there. It could be that either you saw each other every week or they called you, emailed you , instant messaged you, skyped you every day or whatever routine interval that worked for you. So that in itself is so hard. Realising that you have them on your Twitter, Facebook, Skype, Whatsapp and the list continues and you have to get use to fighting the urge which may at times seem like a need to reach out and connect.

Relationships come in this wrapper, you know like a sweet, like a present there is an expectation of happiness and there is the constant reinforcement of   I love, I miss you, I want you, you mean so much to me, you’re beautiful. As well as the pet names baby, honey, my love, sweetie, my queen the list is unending. This beautifully wrapped affection in itself a strong addiction.

The affection, the interaction and the pillar that creates in your life gets so entrenched that it makes a break up quite hard, quite difficult and I will not use any quite useful profanities to describe just how hard an ordeal cleansing yourself free from the routine is in a breakup.

There is a build up in a relationship, from the foundation phase layer by layer and often the hardest part of being out of a relationship is feeling destitute from that shelter you were constantly reinforcing.  Even when you have valid reasons for breaking up with someone it is such a battle with yourself to say I will not call him, I will not answer his calls and I will not return his calls. In this day and age this also includes I will not cyber stalk him, I don’t need to know what his status is. I will not ask mutual friends about him, because you have to cut the habit, cut the routine. So this break up battle ,the kicking the routine, avoiding the drug and trying to get into new habits is a great internal struggle. Most often “we got back together ” is because you were not strong enough to say, I will not, I cannot , I shall not insert this person back into the routine of my life. I know love is more than a routine but I believe love is a verb so it’s about the doing/action and if one can break away from those actions they better navigate mastering getting over a person with time.

I wish all of those at a break up point safe treading because it’s so easy to lose your self respect.

Things not to do during the break up point is:

-        Involving third party spectators, this is his or your friends, family and whomever else who is there to watch you explode at their own amusement. Do not facebook your anger, disappointment and/or resentment.  The thing is your adding an audience to what is already a hurtful experience. You can in confidence, in privacy get the support you need but facebook and twitter to generally random individuals is not smart, dignified or necessary.

-        Don’t endanger yourself, drinking and driving for instance or being reckless in whichever way won’t solve your problems. Do not run to destructive coping mechanisms.

-        Do not lean on that guy that’s always liked you, rebounds are useful but it may add insult to injury.

What to do at the break up point:

-        Realise it will be hard, cry when you need to cry, learn the lesson you need to learn. Reflect on every difficult aspect.

-        Break the old habits it will take time, break the old routines it will take time, its 1000% understandable that you will be sad, lonely, depressed, angry, fearful.

-        Calculating moves are to be deployed by you as a gaurding strategy for e.g. if he used to phone at a particular time, that may be a good time to switch off your phone so you are not constantly obsessing over it. If you use to skype at a particular time that may be a good time to not be on your computer. You may want to block the person on certain sites so you don’t have the reminders. You may want to deactivate yourself just to escape from stalking him.

-        The initial 2 weeks are the hardest, everything after those 14 days may become an easier adjustment.


I don’t have the magic wand just some sound thoughts on break up navigation, safe treading to all the newly broken, healing and on a growth path. He was a part of your world but certainly was not all of your world, this will only grow you.