Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Can I have some fresh air...

You know a breath of fresh air. That’s really what most women want from a man (well some, just go with me). You don’t want to find yourself coughing in the fumes. You don’t want to feel like you’re not thinking clear. You don’t want to feel like this environment is not good for you and is damaging you. You want to feel like you are in the right space, that you can see the road ahead and that it’s healthy and supporting your way forward. That's what I mean by saying; sometimes all you want to feel is good, in a simple way good. It just has to be really easy and really good for you in an uncomplicated way. Like breathing simple, deep clean air in and out simple.

This is often hard to find, because some men are just hard to take in. They are bad for you and you feel like you’re in a fog of pollution and you can’t find the way out. The air looks clean but really it’s not. So you're stumbling and you're trying to figure out why am I so deep in pollution , it’s hard to breathe, it’s hard to see, and instead you're looking for an out and your trying to get out of a bad and heavy situation. So you can breathe.

Good clean air is good for all areas of your being and your health. That's why women ask for space. “I need space". In other words I need to get away from your bad energy, you’re clogging my vision, you’re polluting my future and preventing me from some aspect of my life I feel I need fulfilled. And with you here it’s not happening.

So some relationships can be done and others cannot be done, on the basis of energy. What are you to her? What is he to you? Things can start off good and end up really bad for you.

So what do I want? (Say it with me) it’s simple all I want is fresh air!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

where do ladies buy condoms ?

Please forgive me i do not at all mean to come at you on a rude, outlandish front. I just really do need to know, where do ladies buy condoms?

This is what i understand there are so many things that women require bravery for still in this day and age. There are situations that remain rather difficult such as buying a pack of condoms for instance,like you want to be fine about it but it feels on a respectful level somewhat wrong and eyebrow raising. So where on earth does a lady go and still maintain comfort and dignity and feel proper when buying condoms ? I just really feel as though society does not create enough comfortable situations where one can buy something like this without looking over the shoulder and trying to whisper to the till clerk.

The pharmacy is always full and the petrol stations are such nightmares. So now really where does one go and feel okay with themselves.

Picture this you as a girl casually walk in a  perol station or pharmacy or whatever and you just came in for the condoms so you wont even front. There are people around the counter and its fine. You say it "can i have 3 boxes of those *brand name* condoms please" * ting* *swipe* you pay its done and no one made you feel bad about it.You walk out and no one is staring or looking from the corner of their eye. 

The pharmacist didnt hand you an STD booklet , the person at the petrol station didnt call people with his eyes and ask loudly "which condoms sister.." and there was no judgement. Can i have this perfect world please, so my question remains, where do ladies buy condoms ?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

dedication goes out to ...this here encounter...im over it

I am happy to go my way and have him go his because it lasted a minute and then it really was not worth the effort. These are the days of my life youth is fleeting and the better thing to do was to get on with the business of living my life and living it to the full.

All i had to do was go back to sensibility and i realised that i am not broken for any reason because of this short encounter. I wish him the best and i too go about living out my moments in life that i believe are leading me to the best ( the best is yet to come ).

The great thing about life is when you allow yourself a true perspective to absorb the lessons and soak in the wisdom ,i have no issue on this matter because i have soaked in what i view to be the important lessons.

All i have is a calm and really it takes up so little of my time, its on the odd moment that i see something that brings back a reference to you (if you're reading this). Other then that why would I?

I can not change the things about me that i feel were not an accurate representation of my confidence, of my value of certain aspects of certain things. But in the end what does it matter , im over it and happy to go about my life .

It was an encounter and there you go ...such is life !

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

listen buddy aint nobody wanna marry ur ass...

Why do you assume that because i am in my twenties i got a life with you " forever and ever" in mind ?

Brother please, the last thing that i have on my mind is any of that but more and more i find it interesting how i see it dropped into conversation. Please someone tell this guy (great as he may be or view himself to be) that i dont have him in my life for all of life in my cards or anywhere in sight.

I cringe and i would barf if i could at another man that comes into my life and wants to gage my future-meter.

The only thing in my long term plans is a career, and my studies and working hard at pushing my ambitions.

So now i drop it into conversation like how men do " maybe i'll make you my hubby ","you're the father of my chlidren" all that psycho babble that men like to do , plant seeds into you dangle what they view to be a carrot.

Someone close to me said i must cool down my temper if i hope to find a man. Why should i adjust myself for a man ? why should i feel the need to alter any aspect of my personality so that its comfortable to a man. Men dont alter their personalities, they make sure women work around them.We adabt, i am tired of being the adapter, the one who alters this and that to fit into the needs of a man. Please no pressure , dont marry me i will ensure my own future happiness by placing that responsibility on myself, shoot i'll marry myself.

So please dont flatter yourself ...aint nobody wanna marry your ass. The reason why women dont lobola men is that some aint worth a single live chicken let alone a standing cow never mind the dignity of a herd of cows.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The creation of the pseudo reality

Why is it so easy for us to create a false sense of reality? A bubble so delicate that it’s not any real protection from the elements.

I see how it’s so easy (way way too easy) for us as women to create in our minds a pseudo, as in false , as in not real, as in live a lie. We actively create a delicate fabric in our imagination, to romanticize an impossible situation with a man. Women often live in a false sense of what’s real. It’s so easy for us to tip toe around things that might hurt us. You don’t want to believe that he’s cheating on you or that he doesn’t love you or that you’re a means to an end. We blind side ourselves because we are emotional creatures because we are forgiving creatures; more so when it comes to the interaction we have with the men in our lives. It is as though we see the fact that this bubble is delicate it can be poof! At any moment so until harsh reality confronts let me cruise without a brain and see where life ends with me. So we carefully shield ourselves from listening to the sensible inner voice. We go about our lives perpetuating stupid actions. Trusting for the wrong reasons, listening when we should not, defeating our own happiness by prolonging the pseudo reality and defending our bad actions “I think he might see how great I am and love me or treat me the way I deserve to be treated”. You back the man up in the fight that’s taking place with your inner voice or with friends and family. So you run with your pseudo reality, you defend your false vision; you protect a situation that you view COULD BE POSSIBLE.

We act passively as though we have no real control when in truth the reality is that we sideline the voice inside ourselves that speaks to reason. The voice that says “this is not who you are”, the voice that says “letting this man treat you this way does not do you justice”. You know what it is you deserve and it hurts not to get it. It is possible to take control over your emotions and say, this is not love because the actions do not speak to love or this is not respect because the actions (yours included) do not speak to respect. I am not going to take an active involvement in the destruction of my character. I am not going to be the kind of woman that can’t face her actions.

If I can be sensible to what I deserve at work, if I can be sensible and realize that at school what I put in results in my results I get. How is it that I cannot process (and be fine with myself) that I am working hard at something that cannot give me what I deserve? Out of the equation I see that it’s a fail and no sir it shall NOT pass by me!

Every now and again we live in a situation that is “apart from reality”. We can be well aware of the fact that the things he says are not true (not true to me), his actions are not honest and the things that he sells to you, you buy without question (or maybe you question it but you don’t fight your acceptance of the wrong outcome). I urge you as I urge myself to see the things in your life for what they are. I am going to try to live my life better, even if it may be hard initially. I am quality products I come fully functional with a mind, with an opinion, with a loving heart and nature, with a creative and imaginative soul. I am looking for a man that deserves what I have to offer and I am looking for the highest bidder that is looking to maintain my body, nurture my heart and feed my mind and soul. I come at a high price, all or nothing give me all of you and let me give you all of me. It’s all or nothing!!

Goodbye to my pseudo reality goodbye to me romanticizing a reality that does not sit well with who I am, you show a person how to treat you and I do believe if at any point I let down my guard and you thought I had no standards or principals , let me show you how high a barrier I create. And since I think you’re unable to jump and pass my requirements –thank you goodbye I guess I’ll catch next life time. There is no shortage of brother’s cause this right here what I got going on is top of the line high range quality love and it isn’t yours to have and hold and touch. I run this ship; watch me sail on to0o-to0o!

Monday, October 4, 2010

He said "i love you " and i said "okay"

I know it seems cruel and cold and heartless of me but he said " i love you " and i said "okay"

I mean honestly its not wrong of me to say okay , i am after all okay with the fact that he loves me. The issue is that he got mad at me because all i said was okay with a straight face. Why would a person force it from you, they cant so they must understand that we process love at a different pace. There was no way that i would say it just because he had said it.

I still have to think if i love him, do i love him? should i love him? love just comes right or do you decide on it? when do you know?

Actually i love very few people, its just a reserved emotion. But it worries me that I can say "im inlove" to a beautiful pair of shoes but not to someone who's there and cares and shows emotion.It is my prerogative right?

 I know some where in my mind i'm like "oh please please give me a break , these men and their "love" and honestly. He's a beautiful liar though but really i'm keeping my cards to my chest and my wits about me".

If this is a chess set i want to know which piece am i , am i the queen the one he shields and protects or am i the pawn dispensable at any moment or maybe not so low in the food chain but still i'm not what the game is about. I'm good if i'm there but either way i can go. It really hurts to get the full picture and realise "OUCH !" but i'd rather enter the game knowing where all the pieces lie.

So he made his move and said "i love you" it doesn't make him my king because i'm still setting up the pieces of who is who in my life. I know that no one understands my logic better then a man -so he'll forgive me because all its going to be is okay from me.

By Lindi Khumalo

lets not go fifty fifty....sisters here's my take


You know what I think that I have fallen for the "let’s go fifty fifty" female empowerment mantra way too much. I think it’s time I back track on that little philosophy because I see that it only actually applies to finances in relationships.

I don't see brothers (i.e. boyfriends, husbands, partners) going fifty fifty on the dishes, on the washing , on the cleaning, on the child-bearing and child birth on the pretty much everything that makes relationships work.

So why on earth should I feel that I am "empowered" by the fact that I make fifty percent contributions on financial matters? It seems to me that I am still doing more by actually going fifty fifty on this aspect. I have never asked for money from a partner and I don’t see a circumstance as a single lady (i.e. not married) where I would need to. Don’t get me wrong this still won’t change. What has changed is that I will no longer badly label women that have men do things for them. I think that I now I have come to reassess my beliefs on this matter and I do believe that I have a new found appreciation and respect for women that allow their man to do what men should do and that is be the provider.

Okay I know that for those of you that know me well you’re not buying it. Please though take the time to assess it with me. Women deserve to be given more in certain areas because we also give much more in other areas of the relationship.

So in as much as I can do it for myself be a man and do it for me! Women cover so many scores in a relationship. We work at it so much harder in my personal opinion. So I think it's okay for us to get over our qualms about being taken care of. My independent sisters I am indeed finding new respect for the ladies that have no guilt in the fact that their man pays for most of their living expenses he refuels the car, pays for the service, pays for their rent, cell phone bill, clothes, shoes, food, even for their hair trips to the salon. Why on earth not, we deserve to be treated with a higher sense of worth then meaningless words. It’s all in the actions am I correct? Love is a verb am I correct?

So yes this pertains to his actual treatment of you rather than just vocalising without action. It’s his consideration and thoughtfulness towards you. I think that it is considerate for a man to do, to give, and be accountable for his woman. It’s not gold digging its value for value. So in as much as we are strong women doing things for ourselves we want the kind of man that can do it because he loves us enough to not view it as being taken advantage of. It’s not a situation where I am going to force you or ask you, it’s a situation where you show me the strength of your ability to love me enough that you take care of me, and all areas that see to my well being.

So I guess I’m not looking for an equal partner, I guess I am changing my perceptions of a man's role. I will gladly allow you to take the position of head of the household but you have got to man up to the fact that this position is not one you take because it appeals to you to feel like you are in charge. You must in fact take charge. You must in fact take charge of the rent or mortgage, car payments, electricity, water and all facets my good man that honour that role. If it makes you happy your man should do it for you.

Instead of Burning bra’s to feel empowered the more tactical alert woman will burn her cheque book let a real man take care of that area right there.

Now there is a difference in situations there are circumstances where a man is trying to buy you, where you’re a gold digger and it’s not love. Situations where women are not motivated to do things for themselves. But if it is love, true and real I see no place where one can find this to be an unjust expectation from a man.

So my sisters I’m not completely there myself but I’m planting a seed of possibility that was imparted to me by a wise woman. It is fair to say it’s not wrong, not manipulative to let the financial arrangements fall on the man. Maybe you do all of the cooking, that’s seen as okay. Maybe you do all the cleaning and the washing, that’s seen as okay (even if you have a maid you oversee the process). You take care of yourself and go out of your way to please, nurture and satisfy him and all his needs, and that’s okay. So how is it not okay to let go of the finances? So in my view it is a fair stance then to say, I do not want to go fifty fifty on a relationship because it’s unfeasible. There are things I see to and there are things he sees to.
Here’s my take what’s yours?

Friday, July 30, 2010

Does flirting on Face book count as cheating?

I don’t know whether one can count the outright facebook flirtation as cheating. Certainly one would assume any boyfriend would know that like any good girlfriend we spend a good length of time thoroughly trackingtheir comments on facebook. I get to know who all his friends are, who all the women that regularly comment are. It’s like my little spy tool. I watch all the moves he makes all the things he says and if at all I didn’t hear from him that day. I don’t act like some nervous needy girlfriend I just open and check if he has posted anything on facebook. If he has had enough time to post a status update and he hasn’t had the good sense to make some sort of contact with me first at all that day. I make a note decide if I want to play the part of the crazy girlfriend but usually I am satisfied to know that I at least have some idea of how his day has been so far and what small thing occupied his thoughts that day.

It confuses me though when he flirts, I think to myself does he know I can read this little comment he posted on her status. Now I don’t know her, okay but that’s not the point because I track his comments whether I am her facebook friend or not. And better yet he can’t say it’s his cousin.

Facebook is two sided; who regularly comments on his status without fail and whose status does he usually take the time to comment on.

Now the investigator in me, because I’m built like that will look at the regular female commenter‘s and will be aware of who he talks about or brings into conversation. Whether it’s a work colleague, a neighbour, a friend’s sister – all those names form a data base in my head. I check those names against the regular commenter’s on his facebook and like any woman I check those against the things I find on his phone including the all-essential -phone log. Why check the messages, any cheater deletes that first it’s the call log that reveals the most essential information. I don’t know why guys always forget to delete the call log.

This is done all as a measure to see if I really do have a reason to suspect foul play over his facebook flirtations because I am unwilling to degrade myself to the degree where I say “why did you say *wink wink* on so-and-so’s status. Why did you call her sweety”, because you play it cool, if you’ve been in the game a good measure you know to always play it cool. Who wants their boyfriend thinking they have some big brother *I’m watching you*version of a girlfriend. But honestly I am watching you!!! So until 1 + 1 =2 it’s all good but I better not put a sum together that says you’re with someone else * evil LOL*!!!!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Falsehood of fairytales: the propaganda we internalise in our young years about men and relationships

In this day and age I am not too sure I like the idea of having my daughter being brainwashed by these fairytales, I am grateful that at present I have no children and more specifically to my area of anxiety I am appreciative I do not have a daughter to raise.

My anxiety can be rooted at the fact that I believe I would be compulsive about ensuring that I raise a strong, self aware daughter who has an accurate representation about what is important in life and what is false about the world. In my idealistic mind I know I want to make sure I guard the things that my child idolises. So in other words I would want very little of the fictional accounts of life, I would want very little television, I would impose strict and radical rules about ensuring my child has a greater advantage then myself in embracing the strength and not weakness of their sex and race.

I believe fairytales have an impact, at a tender age when you are learning about the world I think fairytales create a lens about what life should be like. A perspective that is hard to shake, an expectation that is not easily forgotten or tossed aside. I know these fairytales are just that whimsical pieces of literature that are meant to be easy to understand and heart tugging for the little ones. I do admit to loving the Cinderella story as a young girl but even that makes me uneasy at this point in my life because I know it had a lasting impact on my life. As a woman in my twenties I have never met a man who can measure up to the perfect prince charming but I expect it. Where is my happily ever after? I grew up believing that a ring, a man and a wedding was the measure and validation of a woman’s success. This as I continue to go about my life is not where and how I measure success any more (or at least I’m trying not to). This is still a prevalent perception in many cultures, we are who we are because we are socialised, and we are the reflection of the influences of our environment. The world has a lot to offer and women from a young age need to grasp that you can live a happy life, amount to great things and find happiness in having goals that don’t revolve around a man. Why was Repunzal stuck in some castle until some man came along. Snow White was brought back to life by the kiss of prince charming. I shudder at the psychological implications this has on us as women. It is for this reason that fairytale’s whose focal point of happiness is a man - that at some level women have come to internalise that they need a man to be happy. The things that we hold to value in our lives have changed over the years. Love has come to mean different things to different people, love comes in various forms. We live in times where women continue to strive to assert themselves as independent, happy in the traditional sense of marriage a husband and kids. As well as outside the traditional sense single mother, career woman, homosexual, single by choice. There are negative connotations that surround being a single lady about not having a man by your side. We live in a time where we need to have new fairytales, where we need to have new standards. Fairytales can be more reflective of the diversity that happiness takes shape in. Be aware of the impact that fairytales have had in the way that you view the world, don’t hold yourself to a standard of happiness that you do not need. With or without a partner you have the right to know and feel alright about your life.

By Lindi Khumalo

Who should you love more your man OR your friends?

It can be hard to navigate if you should love your man more than your friends or your friends more than your man. Often you are forced to make decisions that test who in actual fact you do favour more. Are you the type of girl that drops her friends when she has a man? Do you devote yourself to your man so much that you are neglectful of your friends and your commitments as a friend? Or does going out with your friends take priority over the plans you make with your man. Either way it is important to love your man and it is important to love your friends.

The way you love these separate groups is different. It is when you choose one above the other in a way that compromises your boyfriend or in a way that compromises your friendships that is when these two relationships begin to be at odds. What often jeopardises your friendships is when you stop being a good friend because you have a new man in your life. Equally it is important to understand to value your man and not to make him feel second best to your friends.

Time Manage your relationships

Time management is an essential capability that allows you to ensure that the needs of your activities and your relationships are managed effectively. These relationships need to be nurtured in a way that allows you to give the necessary attention to all your loved ones. Time management is an essential part of your world at work and effective time management between your friendships and your man is equally crucial. It is also essential to realise that talking about your man the whole time you’re with your friends will not work in your favour. The friend that does nothing but talk about her boyfriend is annoying and it can be better having no friend in comparison to this friend. Also important to note is that gossiping about your friends to your boyfriend does not equal spending quality time with your partner. Time management as a result should also include quality valuable appreciation of things that bring you closer in your relationships. If you and your friends enjoyed going to the movies together don’t suddenly blow off your friends because you’ve seen all of the movies that are out with your boyfriend. That is not cool!

When your boyfriend and girlfriends don’t get along

Do not try to force the situation it is possible for your friends to not like the person you’re dating or for your boyfriend to completely not want to spend time with your friends. It need not be a deal breaker if you are wise enough to ensure minimal tension by not constantly forcing these two separate social groups to spend time with each other unnecessarily.

So who should you love more?

Love both in different ways that allows for them to feel and see that they are being valued. Men come and go and your girlfriends can be life long companions so nurture those relationships like a precious garden. It is important to figure out a way to maintain friendships and still allow yourself to find positive and lasting relationships with men and not feel that your time with friends is preventing the attention and growth with your man. So navigate these two relationships in a way that makes your life richer instead of in a way that creates problems, rivalry and unnecessary drama in your life. Happy navigating may your life be richer in some way because of this article.

Your beauty African women is not a fairytale story

I do not remember a time where I heard a story about a girl with African curves and tough, rough hair being a woman whose looks brought the adoration of great princes. The inferiority complex of whether our beauty as African women is true and real lives some where at the back of our minds.We live this reality of a psychological "your not the best" complex due to the fact that there are very few occasions where African features are upheld as being truly beautiful.

The truth is that the world is very with-holding in providing images of the African women in African shape with African textures in hair as being an image to love and adore. Even though we live in good old Africa ( as i am South African)  , Africans still have the pressure of not feeling that we are truly beautiful just as we are. Before the relaxer to straighten our hair, before the weave to replicate the length and bounce of Caucasian hair, do we see ourselves as beautiful?

Many of us truly do not. It Is not because we want to feel this way. It is because the world is such that it is easier to be the western version of beauty which is an international standard of beauty. Even in good all Africa it is hard to be African, it is easier to be close to white to speak really good English, to look a certain way this is an African standard of beauty, still today. Do not get me wrong we modern African girls with our English twang don’t go around thinking we want to be white. We do not think we idolise white features and looks and hair but our actions reveal that we do.

We are not totally to blame for our passive rejection of our heritage & looks. We have just become use to embracing ourselves in halves(meaning not totally). It is because some where along the line it became easy to fight our nature.

When at crèche we heard and saw illustrations of pretty white girls in fairytales but never heard ones that reflected us. When our mothers thought they were doing us a favour by straightening our hair from as early if not earlier then at six years. We were rejecting a part of ourselves. The addition of black dolls in stores is a new and refreshing inclusion. Us oldies had only white dolls to play with. And so these small actions had an impact.

They made African children take in this sense of what beauty was. To be an African girl is hard even in Africa, it is not a fairytale scenario where you can look and judge and fault us for not being African enough.

The way we as women look has always been a crucial area of importance. At the tender age of our crèche years we girls were being socialised to seek validation in looking a certain way which is why so many of us continue to find some validation in weaves & cosmetic surgery .We were told of stories of girls with immense beauty, the traditional western blonde, blue eyed slender framed beauty and how she was whisked away to eternal happiness. So it is no wonder that it takes a movement to shift mindsets. You have to really take the time to embrace the things about you that are not unobjected beauty. Because we object that frizzy african hair is beautiful. That thick girls are beautiful. That thick lips , a flat nose, a hude ass and a really dark skin is beautiful.Those are the things that are distictly who we are . Those are the things that are distictly african.

By Lindi Khumalo

Cinderella the psychological impacts

Cinderella may not have been the best story to hear as a child, I think this is a realisation I came upon when my girl friends and I were talking about “how come there is no prince charming in our lives?”, like some how the universe owed us all that soul mate connection. I know we are all grown ups now. We should perhaps know better but the truth of the matter is that many for us yearn for that deepest of emotions. True love is what they call it that one soul mate you feel was made to be your perfect fit. I think much of this is rooted with the influence of love stories we heard over and over again from our earliest childhood years that did after all plant the earliest seed. Which girl hasn’t heard that Cinderella story, which girl didn’t wish that romantic ending for herself how many women still hold a glimmer of hope, do you not wish, want, search for your Prince charming. A crucial learning experience about the world and ourselves took place in the pages of idealistic fairytales. In truth many of the depictions of love in fairytales, movies and songs continue to influence the kind of love we search for, yearn for, pray for, date for and continue to wear our hearts on our selves for in this modern jungle.

The message is clear in fairytales love is a beautiful experience that is greater in value then most things. Others would say it is the purpose of life. Love always has this mist of super human strength. We are all searching for a love that makes us feel super human or perhaps just super valued. In that connection we will be loved for the unique individuals we believe ourselves to be. The fairytales we heard as children continue to grow like a seed planted at the heart it wants to be fed it wants to grow it wants to prosper to bring a smile on your face for the rest of your days. So we search, going about our daily lives hoping to find the passion, the spark that cliché quick heart beat that sparkle in the eye. We want to have that fairytale ending. As I hear the complaints of my female friends I realise that we almost always end up having the same conversation. Are we perhaps not too young to be stewing over how we can’t find Mr Right?  after all we earned the title young women just yesterday. Certainly women in their twenties should not be as bitter, as unhappy about the lack of good men. I look around the room and it is as though I’m surrounded by women in their fifties who have been looking for “that one guy” for years. Then I realise that there is a common ground amongst all women most of us feel that the universe owes us that perfect prince or princess ( shout out to the lesbians)  to live happily ever after with. So I take my hat down to the Cinderella story for being so influential to the lives and thinking of many women whether these expectations are good or too idealistic they live near and dear to most girls hearts.


By Lindi Khumalo